you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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