just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
