i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
