smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think I sprained my soul last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
