on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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