Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
