My girlfriend figured out who you are.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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