Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
