4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Me too!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
