Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
