Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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