"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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