I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My liver just had a heart attack.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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