one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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