things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
