i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
