Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
