My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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