Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
