i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
