If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Randomize
