I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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