I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
