Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
