she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
