dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
