last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i love accidental penises.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
