I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
