i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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