Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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