I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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