I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
