Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
