you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
