dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
