I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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