I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
