WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
