i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
