anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm too high and old for this...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
