I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
