I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
