apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Randomize
