hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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