You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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