i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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