I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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