Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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