I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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