I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
