maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
