I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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