How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
