bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
