i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.