my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.