First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.