I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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