About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
