Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
